Wild Turkey: Harder, Stronger, Harder.


I love Wild Turkey. Not the animal, mind you. Hence the capitalization on each word. Although I do enjoy grilled turkey breast, it being leaner and healthier than chicken breast without sacrificing any of the flavour. But I digress.

I love Wild Turkey. As far as bourbon goes, Wild Turkey is one of the most recognizable names and affordable bottles. It’s strong without being overpowering and has a smooth taste to it. You can easily drink a few glasses without even realizing it. And the Bourbon Drunk? It’s a great feeling. Wild Turkey warms up the blood but doesn’t anger it like whiskey. Wild Turkey relaxes the mind but doesn’t shut it down like vodka. Wild Turkey provides staggering sexual stamina but doesn’t cost an arm and a leg like Viagra. Or Cialis. Or Hero Tabs. Or Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.


That’s absolutely right and you heard it here first. Wild Turkey is a great-tasting bourbon that also provides sexual and penile prowess rivaling a porn star. In layman’s terms, what I’m saying is: drinking Wild Turkey will give you an erection that lasts a long while and proves useful when having sex with that girl whose name you really don’t care to know. Allow me to elaborate, using myself as an example.

After a few years of drinking and enjoying a range of whiskies and scotches, I decided one night to try some Wild Turkey. I was first introduced by Hunter S. Thompson, who also inspired my proclivity for the whiskey. Not personally introduced unfortunately, but as an avid fan of Thompson’s, one picks up on his favoured alcoholic imbibitions, Chivas Regal and Wild Turkey among others.

And so it was that one night while out with L (the girlfriend at the time), I decided on a whim that I needed a change of drink, if only for one night, and Wild Turkey seemed like a good idea at the time. The night would transpire as any other until we got back to L’s place and settled in for some hardcore raunchy and animalistic sex. It’s just more fun that way.

Well. I’ve never been one to have much of any problems with the sex, in any area. But much to my and L’s surprise, I was like a jackhammer with a hard-on that night. And it lasted quite some time, even by my standards (that’s right). The next day, I half-attributed my performance to the Wild Turkey because it seemed like a fun idea correlating the two, and because it just made sense. Over the next few years, I would have a few more Wild Turkey nights, usually when I knew I’d be going home with a girl. I was determined to figure out whether or not my theory was true. Can drinking Wild Turkey really enhance my sex life? To paraphrase Barack Obama, Yes It Can (and yes it did).

My wholly unscientific research proved time and again that when I would get drunk off the Wild Turkey it translated to long, hard and thoroughly enjoyable sexual sessions for both myself and my partner. The last time I tried this was my last birthday, in late 2008. Once again, it did not disappoint and now when I’m out with the current (and keeper) girl, J, she knows what to expect if I start on the bourbon.

Speaking of bourbon in general, I should say that I have tried the same experiment with other brands, including Woodford Reserve and Jim Beam. I have inconclusive results with the Jim Beam and I always ended up getting way too drunk off the Woodford Reserve to do anything of note by the time I get to bed. But Wild Turkey has never let me down. Literally.

Try this next time you’re out with a girl and you know you’re going to her place afterward (or yours, but hers is always better): Have three glasses of Wild Turkey, straight up and on the rocks. At least three glasses. And don’t wash it down with water and don’t start mixing it with daiquiris and mojitos and those other fruity drinks you love. Be a goddamn man and drink some goddamn straight bourbon. Then go home and do what you do with your woman: make love, be intimate, snuggle, fuck, etc. (that would be a great name for a band, Snugglefuck – you’re welcome, thank me in the liner notes). That Wild Turkey you consumed will make you a hero, a star, a man. If not, you’re probably a woman.


One response to “Wild Turkey: Harder, Stronger, Harder.

  1. snugglefuck – it has great marketing potential!

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