Adorable Animals Never Tasted So Good

Adorable Animals Never Tasted So Good

The Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, former Governor General of Canada. The Right Honourable Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada. Barack Obama, 44^th President of The United States of America. And me. Guess which one of these four doesn’t belong…

Give up?

Well, you’re wrong. It’s Barack Obama. Why? Because unlike Ms. Jean, Mr. Harper (or “Stevie”, as I used to call him on the playground back in the day), and myself, Mr. Obama has never eaten a seal. You know… those cute little tricksters from the Arctic? Adorable right? Delicious too.

Less than a week to go before Christmas, and I found myself dining in Toronto’s historic Campbell House on the corner of Queen Street and University Avenue. There was no special occasion, except there totally was. It was Charlie’s Burgers‘ (CB) last meal of the year, and in true pathetic fallacy fashion, reflected the biting cold and swirling snow outside.

With two celebrated chefs cooking their way through the North Pole, our Arctic Culinary Diplomatic Incident began. Chef Paul Finkelstein traveled with students to Cambridge Bay, Nunavut inside the Arctic Circle to source all the evening’s food. Chef Louis Charest, having cooked for royalty, heads of state, dignitaries, and diplomats, also worked as Sous-Chef within the Prime Minister’s Residence at 24 Sussex Drive, and won five gold medals at the Culinary Grand Prix in 2001. No big deal.

After meeting a man on a wine barrel sitting outside, we were directed to the Campbell House. Once inside, we traded our money – stuffed in marked CB envelopes – for a glass of Prosecco. In no time, our hosts Chef Paul along with Steve Cooper (a Nunavut lawyer and food connoisseur), explained the intricacies involved in catching and foraging items for the evening’s menu, including seal, walrus, and whale. They were certain it was one of the first times this type of food was being served in Toronto, especially as fresh as it was.

Sidenote: When I walked into the bathroom, I met an ice bucket full of Steam Whistles. As a waiter told me: “Charlie has a saying… You should never take your drink in the bathroom, but you should never leave the bathroom without a drink.”

Anyhoo. Some hazily-remembered thoughts on the menu – a dozen glasses of wine will do that to your memory…

Pagnirtung Fiord Roasted Turbot
salt pickled lemon, beurre blanc, Batawana Bay herring roe
Prosecco Asolo Montello DOCG – Veneto, Italy

Tuktoyaktuk smoked meat sandwich
smoked whale meat, mustard seed bannock, chelsea pickle
2009 Muscadet Sevre et Maine Sur Lie Printaniers, Barre Freres,France, Loire

• This ended up being slightly altered – A smoked muskox sandwich, on the homemade bannock bread and with homemade mustard, with a piece of whale jerky on the side. Whale jerky was very salty, tough yet tender, nice and meaty.
• This wine was struck from the list at the last minute. Replaced by an interesting and tasty German schnapps, Doornkaat, that was more reminiscent of vodka. Still… Good call!

Ceviche of narwal & maktag, narwal with soya
fried beluga morsels, wakame salad
2008 Chardonnay, Baglio del Sole, Feudi Del Pisciotto, Sicily, Italy

• Narwal (also known as The Unicorn Of The Sea), as was explained to us, is what the Inuit use as their energy bars. Small stamp-sized pieces are placed between the gums and the cheek, and left to disintegrate for hours. An extremely fatty piece of meat, as it melts in the mouth, the fat gives the body energy. Unfortunately for us, our narwal-consumption had to be done rather quickly. Incredibly tough meat, but letting it melt even a little produced a soft and velvety strip of fat peeling off the narwal.
• The second dish of the night to include whale, one of the waiters walking past us asked if we liked whale balls. Hell yes we do! And he brought us more.
• All the wines were expertly matched, but this in particular was a knockout. Also, never had an Italian Chardonnay before, to the best of my knowledge.

Cape Dorset Arctic Char 4 ways
tataki, ginger cured, fennel candied, smoked, rice wine radishes, apple crème fraiche, fried fennel, celery root remoulade
2009 Bergerie du Capucin, Pic Saint Loup, Dame Geannie, Languedoc, France

• Highlight of the night. The ginger-cured char was outstanding, the smoked was just right, but the stand-out was the fennel candied char. Hot damn. Paired with fennel that had soaked in syrup before being fried with cayenne peppers, it was sumptuous and left everyone wanting more.

Baked mipkuzola chip, muhamara caribou Kibbeh Nayyeh
zatar mayo, fresh pita, pomegranate
2009 Bergerie du Capucin, Pic Saint Loup, Dame Geannie, Languedoc, France

• A type of pâté made of caribou, and served with homemade corn chips and baked muskox chips. A nice little treat.

Iglukik walrus mac and cheese
Iglukik Igunag bacon bits & grilled Iglukik walrus, pan seared foie gras
2007 Barbera Asti DOC, Scagliola, Piemonte, Italy

• First off, how “Toronto Elite” did I feel, eating walrus macaroni-and-cheese. I imagine that’s what Mr. Burns eats for comfort food. And rightfully so! The pasta and cheese sauce itself were spectacular on their own, but the addition of grilled walrus elevated this dish to never-before-seen heights (hyperbole!). The walrus itself was not gamey nor too fatty, though it had a distinct “seafood meat” taste.
• The other surprise in this dish were the deep-fried rotten flesh balls. Of course, the proper term is Iglukik Igunag, but that’s just semantics. It’s actually rotten walrus flesh that’s frozen, and then cooked. More surprisingly (or perhaps not so much given the rest of dinner)… it was delicious.

Qikitarjuaq bouillabaisse
musk ox, rack of seal, cloudberry juice, fried soba noodles, saffron sabayon
2004 Volnay Santenots 1er Cru, Domaine Jacques Prieur, France,Burgundy

• The second wine to hit a grand slam. Nice touch to be served seconds (and thirds) of some these bad boys.
• The bouillabaisse itself was very favourful, but the seal… wow. So tender and soft and light… No wonder Stevie’s a fan.

Inuksuk
ice wine Akutak profiteroles blue berry, spun sugar
1998 Ice Wine, Vidal, Pilliteri Canada

• The profiteroles were made using fat from the caribou we had previously consumed, and it was rich and tasty. And cute too!

One of the two best meals I had all year (the other honour going to Michael Stadtlander’s Haisai), and certainly one of the best I’ve had in my life. Charlie, you make good burgers.

NOTE: We asked about photography and were told it was forbidden. While that stopped us, it didn’t stop these fine folks from grabbing some amazing shots. I suggest you check them out:

• Local-Come-Lately
• Screaming Avocado
• It’s A Weird, Wild and Wonderful Life

Now Available At The Bay: Middle East Conflict or Visit The Bay’s PR Department For Some Great Deals

Now Available At The Bay: Middle East Conflict
Or
Visit The Bay’s PR Department For Some Great Deals

Earlier this week, what’s been alliteratively referred to as “The Bay/Bonnie Brooks Brouhaha” erupted as Middle East politics descended upon the venerable Canadian department store.

Palestinian and Anti-Israel organizations and supporters flooded the Internet and The Bay’s head offices, demanding a popular Israeli beauty product line be pulled from store shelves. Their argument:

Ahava’s products are manufactured in the illegal settlement of Mitzpe Shalem in the Occupied Palestinian West Bank. Ahava is co-owned by two illegal settlements, Mitzpe Shalem and Kahlia, which are subsidized by the company’s profits. Ahava cosmetics are labeled ‘Products of Israel’ when in fact they are made in the West Bank.

(sourced)

At the same time, Israeli and Pro-Jewish organizations and supporters flooded the Internet and The Bay’s head offices, demanding the popular Ahava products be kept in stock, and with a call-to-action to buy up all of The Bay’s Ahava products, thanking them for carrying the line. Many supporters did just that, while many others expressed anger toward The Bay, vowing to never shop there again.

A close acquaintance (and fellow blogger at inctruth.blogspot.com) sent such a letter to Bonnie Brooks, CEO of The Bay. Below is his text, reprinted with his permission:

Mrs. Brooks,

I am totally shocked by the actions of your organisation in complying with the wishes of an Anti-Israel organisation.

My life has been dedicated to fighting racism and bigotry. This case is an example of the worst form of anti-semitsm making its rounds in the so-called civilized world. Only 70 years ago we witnessed a holocaust that defies words. Today the State of Israel is the only buffer the Jewish People have against a repeat of this inhuman catastrophe.

I respectfully request that you reconsider your decision to withdraw Ahava products from your shelves. Until this matter is cleared up, it is my intention to take my business elsewhere. When we vowed “Never Again” we meant every word.

Regards,
Harry

It wasn’t long before he received a reply from Ms. Brooks herself, also reprinted below with permission:

The brand in question, Ahava, has been discontinued globally by the brand owner, not by The Bay. One of our largest shareholders of the Hudson’s Bay Trading Company is one of North America’s most significant Israel supporters, and our Governor along with our Chief Beauty Merchant responsible for this product range, are both Jewish. We do not discontinue products due to pressure from any source other than our own decision based on either sales performance or product quality. We are very concerned that we have received hundreds of emails and negative customer reaction inside our stores, all due to the spreading of incorrect information, which has upset our many customers, employees, their families and the fashion industry who are supportive of Israel. We would appreciate the parties involved in the protest, being set straight as soon as possible.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Bonnie Brooks
Chief Adventurer
(aka President and CEO)The Bay,
Hudson’s Bay Company. 

There are some first-rate PR lessons to be learned here:

• Don’t Ignore Your Clients: Not only did Harry hear back from The Bay, but he heard directly from Ms. Brooks, their CEO. Taking the time to reply to him (and presumably, dozens more people) lends credibility to Ms. Brooks and The Bay, as well as their explanation for the situation at hand. How you engage your clients is the genesis of your company’s PR – remember that, in no uncertain terms, your organization owes its existence to your clients.
• Be Proactive! There’s an argument to be made that had The Bay disseminated the information on why Ahava had been pulled from store shelves into the proper channels, it could have avoided much negative online and media buzz. While this appears not to have been done (and please correct me if I’m wrong), they are doing the right thing by speaking out now and having their message delivered from the top. No one can see into the future, but we’re smart enough to make some educated guesses. Anticipate all possible scenarios and plan accordingly.
• Know Your Competition: In no way am I advocating being sleazy or sneaky in PR practices. However, it occurred to me that perhaps some Palestinian and Anti-Israeli organizations and supporters were aware of the Ahava’s plans to pull its products, and used the opportunity to create a stir by provocatively appealing to people’s political and religious views on the Middle-East. If that’s the case, I cannot condone that sort of behaviour. However, it is an example of knowing your competition, and knowing what your organization can do to position itself relative to them. Always keep an eye on other in your industry… You should know what they’re up to, and whether or not you can actually be of help to one another.

Add your rational and reasonable thoughts and opinions below, and let me know what you think!

The Highlands and Lowlands of Macallan Scotch Tasting

7:43 Arrive at Macallan scotch tasting at 99 Sudbury. Free parking is nice, though a central location and not having to drive to an event celebrating alcohol would have been even nicer.

7:44 Handed a silver Macallan coin, told to exchange it for a drink. Instead reminded of Super Mario Bros. 3.

7:45 Exchange coin for drink. Apparently tonight, a drink is defined as “a tall, thin glass containing just enough scotch to wonder whether or not there’s actually any scotch in there.”

7:46 Move to charcuterie buffet. Surprisingly well-stocked with four types of cheese, several cured meats, and a selection of bread and olives.

7:48 Note to self: cheese with fancy names distracts crowd from lack of alcohol… Must increase cheese budget for next party.

7:50 The line at the buffet is now 30-people deep, compared to the three surrounding it minutes earlier. I’ve still only had one drink.

7:51 Getting frustrated at lack of alcohol at this scotch tasting

7:52 Noticing a lot of attendees do not look like they are influential bloggers. This suspicion is confirmed after talking with staff… “They wanted to cram in as many people as they could fit…”

7:53 Random cute server surreptitiously offers me another drink, despite my lack of a silver coin. I wholeheartedly accept.

7:54 Starting to feel like a scotch cattle call

7:59 The event is scheduled to start at 8PM, but organizers show no sign of moving people into next room

8:05 Handed a second silver coin from a friend just as drink service stops. I have somehow angered the scotch Gods.

8:08 Ushered into second room; stage and screens in front, as well as Macallan bottles on display; tables and seating all around.

8:10 Sitting with three others. Nothing on the table except bottles of water and a glass full of nuts.

8:14 If walnuts and cheese were scotch, I’d be enjoying this tasting a lot more right now.

8:19 The Macallan rep tells us we were served 10-year old scotch to start, and will be getting into older scotches now. Sounds promising!

8:21 While Macallan rep goes into history of brand, I can’t help notice a lack of scotch on my table and the tables of others

8:24 The first audience question is asked, and the audience member receives a full bottle of scotch as a prize. Dozens of hands shoot up immediately.

8:28 Jealously eyeing plate of cheese the guy across from me brought from the other room. Even more jealously eyeing bottles of scotch in front of room.

8:31 Servers (finally!) appear with trays of 12-year old scotch, while a video montage screens highlights from 1998 (including clips from Titanic and A Bug’s Life) set to a Wallflowers tune. Really, Macallan?

8:37 Macallan rep describes making of 15-year old scotch while audience members tweet frantically.

8:41 Servers appear with trays of 15-year old scotch, while a video montage screens highlights from 1995. Really, Macallan? Really?

8:46 Servers appear with trays of Macallan Sherry Oak Cask Strength and individual Lindt chocolates. I am momentarily appeased.

8:47 Drink finished. Appeasement over.

8:48 Realize that Macallan encourages, facilitates, and condones tweeting under the influence of alcohol.

8:49 Note to self: On drive home tonight after scotch tasting, tweet @MADDOnline to alert them of dangerous drinking/typing epidemic sweeping our youth.

8:50 Looking around the room, I’m reminded of the lyrics to Kanye West’s Runaway:
Let’s have a toast for the douchebags,
Let’s have a toast for the assholes,
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags…

8:51 Macallan rep breaks out the patented (or maybe not) Steel Macallan Ice Ball Maker 2500 SCT (note, I made that name up).

8:53 While Macallan rep discusses the merits of Ice Balls vs. Ice Cubes (cubes have larger surface area, therefore melt faster), I prefer to discuss merits of Ice Cube vs. Ice-T vs. Vanilla Ice (Ice Cube wins this round, with an honourable mention going out to Iceberg Slim).

8:54 Servers appear with trays of 18-year old scotch, while a video montage screens highlights from 1992. Seriously?! To be fair, crowd cheers for 1992 Toronto Blue Jays team photo, boos vociferously at following still of Ottawa Senators logo.

8:56 Macallan rep informs us that 18-year old scotch is best drank neat, and that ice is best made with bottled water, not tap. Who has time to make ice with bottled water, you ask? Being a Toronto Elitist… I have the time.

8:57 Crowd is thanked, event over. I search in vain for taxi chits, giftbags or takeaways, to no avail.

8:59 I steal a block of cheese.

Thanks Macallan, Matchstick and Praxis PR for a good time, and a special shout-out to Macallan for your goddamn fine scotch.

This. Is. Haisai.

Here’s what I knew going in:

• A celebrated chef who had moved from metropolitan Toronto to a farm in rural Singhampton, ON
• A prix-fixe, 10-course meal prepared with food culled exclusively from his farm, or those of his neighbours
• A dining room for no more than 30 people
• A restaurant built exclusively of local materials – clay, stone, wood, etc…

Here’s what I didn’t know:

• What was on the menu for the evening
• How broken wine bottles can be such a versatile decorative element

This is Haisai.

We weren’t sure what to expect as we arrived at the restaurant. Dressed a half-step above semi-casual, J and I sauntered inside and immediately noticed the building was constructed largely with clay, stone, and wood. With no bricks in sight, it had a rustic feel that lent itself perfectly to the surroundings – farmland as far as the eye can see. That said, while the restaurant is in the main part of town, it should be noted that Singhampton’s “main part of town” seemed to be a cluster of less than a dozen buildings, huddled around a rural highway intersection.

Once inside, we took a quick peek at the adjoining bakery and its impressive collection of preserves. It’s also praised heavily for its breads, but there were none on hand when we arrived. The walls of the bakery are lined toward the top with mismatched broken dishes, and the ceiling lined with broken pieces of brightly coloured ceramic.

Satisfied, we crossed the foyer into the dining area, and were told we could choose whatever table we like. Good thing we came early. We sat along the wall, not far from the front where the open kitchen and service were.

Haisai does things differently, and it works wonders. Their clay walls and roof are supported by thick logs and beams, with carvings and etchings dancing over their surfaces. The light fixtures are broken wine bottles, planted into the ceiling alongside decorative ceramic teapots that have been blown up and transformed into shard-filled snakes slithering above diner’s heads. In the wall are embedded ceramics and stones, while art pieces decorate the fireplace and surrounding space.

The tables and chairs are all individually-made and crafted from local wood sources, and each chair is covered with an animal skin for that soft, luxurious, animal-skin feel on your back. The napkins and wine glasses are marked with Haisai’s logo, while you drink water out of broken wine bottles, blown to ensure safety around the edges.

But I digress.

Ladies and gentlemen, your menu for the evening:

Nova Scotia Oysters with Green Caviar:

Seared Black Angus Beef Tongue with Farm Greens, Hempseeds, and Apple Cider and Herb Oil Dressing:

Kohlrabi Soup with Roasted Piglet Belly Croutons:

Pan-Seared Georgian Bay Lakehead Trout with Braised Lobster, Spinach Puree, Chervil and Lobster Sauce, and Parsnip:

Pickerel Dumpling with Red and Golden Farm Beets and Tarragon Sauce:

Apple with Cinnamon and Rum Sorbet:

Roasted Duck Breast on Duck Gizzard Confit with Farm Mushrooms, Corn and Carrots:

Roasted Rack of Lamb, Tomato Confit with Beans, Roasted Vegetables, and Potato and Squash Dumpling:

Three-Cheese Platter with homemade Raisin Walnut Sourdough and Pear:

Cognac-Chocolate Cake with Raspberry-Lavender Sorbet:

An exquisite meal, it left us both very satisfied and very full. While it’s not cheap, it’s an experience all its own. I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys good food. DO IT!

Wrath Of The Necrofiles

Circa 1995, no journalist working for EYE Weekly was snarkier than Donna Lypchuk.

Donna’s scathing Necrofiles was a dark light at the end of a tunnel too bright to believe. Each year, friends and I would invariably recall her anti-Valentine’s Day column – intelligent and well-written, it clearly put into words what many of us struggled to explain. The fact the column was never properly digitized from its original printing – arguably because the Internet was still coming into its own – made it even more mystical.

Fortunately, I had had a copy forwarded to me from a friend. Or maybe I found it on a forum. Who knows. But I found and kept it, re-reading it once each year.

One day, I found myself struggling to write my own anti-Valentine’s Day post for this blog. Then I realized no one tells it better than Donna Lypchuk, so why not give her the space and the credit, run her piece, and share it with a new audience?

To be clear: I never profited from Donna Lypchuk’s work. I made sure to credit Donna Lypchuk as the original source. I even linked to an Amazon page selling a collection of Donna Lypchuk’s columns, for those interested in reading more of her work.

Apparently, that was a mistake.

Several days ago, I received the following message from someone purporting to be Donna Lypchuk. It read:

This is Donna Lypchuk. This article is not in the public domain. It is part of a published collection of humor. You owe me reprint rights payable immediately. I typically charge $50 and you can pay my paypal. You may have wondered why you do NOT see my stuff on other people’s blogs. This is going on MY blog.

Now, let me point out a few things:

1. The column I posted was a work originally published in a free weekly newspaper, circa 1995.
2. I never profited from my posting of said column, and I credited the original source as well as included a link to purchase a collection of her work.
3. There is mention of a PayPal account but no other link to actually access it
4. There is no blog associated with Donna Lypchuk that I could find.

Let me also point out that this seems like a rude and tactless way for the purported Ms. Lypchuk to squeeze out a petty amount of cash from an individual who – to this point – had admired much of her work, and never profited from it himself.

To that point, I replied to the purported Ms. Lypchuk with the following:

Hi Donna,

Thanks for reaching out, and the heads-up about your article.

I did not realize it was not in the public domain, though assumed it was as it had been printed in EYE Weekly, and reprinted elsewhere on blogs and forums. I’m sure you can appreciate that.

I’m also sure you keep a close eye on your materials – as evidenced by our current exchange – but please be aware that I initially cut-n-pasted your article from another online posting. My friends and I remember your column each February, and I thought it would benefit others to share it with them. A good piece of writing deserves as much.

Also, please note that I made sure to credit you by name, and to link to the Amazon page selling your work.

Anyway, if it’s an issue, I have no problem taking it down. I wonder whether I can reprint a passage or two instead, to still reference your article? As well, if there are other links you’d like me to link to in that case, I’m happy to do so.

Finally, the last line in your comment, you write: “This is going on MY blog.” I’m just curious as to where I might find your blog, as I was not aware you had one going on, and Google turned up precious little on where you’re at now.

Once again Donna, sorry for any confusion. I had no malicious intent – on the contrary, I hoped to share a piece of writing that I and many, many others feel is incredibly appropriate and well-spoken.

Let me know what you’d like to do.

- XXX

PS

While I give you the benefit of the doubt, it would be great if you could confirm to me that you are, in fact, Donna Lypchuk. Thanks!

Of course, not to be outdone, the purported Ms. Lypchuk insisted I pay her, while confirming she does not actually have her own blog:

You can keep it up as long as you pay me. When I see this, I charge the person for rights to use it.  I have been doing this for years…it is out of control and just because something is viral does not mean it is for your use. Link is useless to me as Insomniac press has not paid royalties for years. My blog is not up yet but I will let you know. Be my friend on fb.

Fifty bucks to XXX@gmail.com is okay for use you have had for it  so far. I am a little concerned of my blog being penalized when I put up my own stuff…with my ranking lowering in search engines while those who have stolen it get the ranking.

Donna Lypchuk

Now, let me point out a few more things:

1. The purported Ms. Lypchuk claims she has been charging people for rights to use her work “for years… it is out of control and just because something is viral does not mean it is for your use.” I feel this should be the job of a lawyer, not someone claiming to be a writer, using a pseudonym email address. In fact, I believe that is a fundamental difference between acting lawfully, and uttering threats and bullying people. Furthermore, in this day and age, you certainly will never stop something from being viral. The Internet belongs to the people, and it is a network for sharing information. Enjoy your notoriety instead of trying to shut it down, especially when it’s praising you.
2. The purported Ms. Lypchuk claims “Insomniac press has not paid royalties for years.” This means that either she is no longer selling books and therefore has stopped receiving cheques – which would explain why she’s on a mission to get them herself from unsuspecting individuals such as myself – or that her publisher is withholding money from her, in which case she should get herself a lawyer and go after the real culprits.
3. Her blog is not up yet. How convenient.
4. “Be my friend on Facebook,” immediately followed by “Fifty bucks to XXX@gmail.com.” Stay classy, purported Ms. Lypchuk, stay classy.
5. Contrary to popular belief, signing your name at the bottom of your e-mail does not actually confirm your identity.

Let me also note that I have worked as a professional writer and editor for several publications, and continue to write and edit as part of my current, full-time, professional position.  I wholly appreciate the desire to be paid for one’s work, and not to have it stolen or reprinted maliciously. However, I don’t feel this is such a case, for the reasons outlined above.

I’m throwing this open to thoughts and opinions. Please. Let me know what you would do/make/say/think in this situation.

*** UPDATE ***
The purported Ms. Lypchuk has let me know, via her comment below, that apparently these email exchanges are not in the public domain and I should not be posting them. I was also unaware of the fact that her name is not in the public domain, and I should refrain from using it further. Please take a moment to re-read that sentence to fully appreciate its sheer ridiculousness. Thanks, and I’m always interested in your thoughts on the matter.